First, I can’t believe I haven’t written about this before. I’m so sorry. So, we all know that most things on the news are total trash and contrived just to get attention and ratings. Well, “CityNews”? published a crafty lil ditty about how to survive a fall into the subway tracks… Egh. So desperate. It’s like one of those 20/20 segments about how to escape a car that goes into a lake by remembering to open the windows as the car sinks. Those segments were pretty hot right after that lady drowned her kids in her whip. We are sick.

Anyway, lets move from morbid to fun! What a great transition! Read this, but don’t because I put the only important part below. I’m 47% sure its meant to make you laugh. Anyway, here’s the meat of the story:

 

“Theresa Kelly tripped and fell at the Spadina subway station, plunging head first onto the rails below. To her horror, a train was making its approach straight into the area where she was lying helpless. With seconds to spare and refusing to panic, the 46-year-old mother of four managed to roll into the one area where the train would miss her and somehow stayed there motionless until it passed by.”

“So what should you do if you’re ever confronted with a similar nightmare? Here are the scenarios and advice from the TTC.”

NIGHTMARE!??? This is one of my all time dream-come-true moments on the subway! Almost every time I’m standing on the platform, I’m thinking to myself how I would escape if a crazy pushed me into the tracks (I’d like to think I’m not retarded enough to just fall in…). I’d probably do what this lady did. Roll into that giant gap. Maybe if my foot got caught in the tracks I would cut it off. Maybe just sacrifice the whole leg to the train. Who knows!? Its the excitement of just thinking about it!

Anyway - I’d like to take a moment to respond, on behalf of myself and my readers, to CityNew’s advice on how to handle a fall into the tracks with a train barreling down the tracks towards you.

“What to do: Your best bet, as strange as it sounds, is to stay put.”

lol. huh? That does sound strange! Lilsubway actually recommends running towards the train to try to intimidate it. Chances are good it will back down. If it doesn’t, remember it is made of aluminum, a very soft metal. Trains are basically big pussies, so whatever you decide, chances are you’ll be A-okay. Love!

This chick was on my site for a while, but the guy who re-did my site had mad beef wit huh and left her out upon redesign. Anyway, since I just re-did the site MYSELF TERRELL!!, she’s back in.

Sorry, I don’t have a picture. They say dreams come true on the subway. Well, they’re right! Today I saw the man of my dreams on the downtown 6. He got on at 33rd street with two bags and smelled more like piss than anyone I can remember in the recent past. He also had a popped wart on his cheek. What a cutie!

Anyway, his actions are what really created the attraction. Across the way was a short, old woman with a massive suitcase she could barely handle. As she attempted to drag it towards the doors to exit the train, manomydreams yelled in her face, “Why don’t you take a cab!? You’re a low-life, dragging a bag that big around on the subway with people trying to get home!” She just looked at him as she continued dragging the 10000lb bag to the door. “You’re a bumb! You’re dirt! Get off the train with that bag!” Then she got off.

If you remember Rocky, you know Mick. This guy sounded exactly like him, and smelled like Rocky’s shorts looked. I will try to find him and take his picture.

Please come back and check out my blog every single day so you don’t miss the picture.

Gawker is attempting to put a stop to the “Crotch-Cam Madman” by calling on its readers to report back any information they have on this lilperv.  Some background – there is a guy roaming around the subways of NYC filming dudes’ crotches and then posting the vids online.  They were posted on his specific YouTube channel until yesterday, when the media caught wind of his doings. 

That’s a real shame.  Most people commenting on Gawker actually seem to be in support of Crotch-Man’s films:

• “me likey looky crotchy”
• “27-year old “filmmaker,” huh? If all it takes to earn that label is aiming a camera phone at random crotches, who isn’t a filmmaker?”
• “Who gave Pat Robertson a camera?” - lol

We support you too, Crotch-Man.  It’s not like he was taking pics up girls’ skirts, which would be violating someone’s privacy.  A crotch is already out there in the open for everyone to see. 

So – In support of Crotch-Man, please submit your crotch shots to LilSubwayCrybaby.  We will pick the worst one’s and post them.  Can’t wait!

This is a bit unrelated to the subway, but the events accounted for below did take place in Penn Station. This is a conversation between myself and one of my several agents sent out to scout for the fantastic happenings of the subway.

10:04 AM SubwayAgent: yo…get on here..my starbucks experience was fantastic this am…

me: tell me about it

10:06 AM SubwayAgent: so i have my bag

and its sticking out 6 feet off my back

and i’m in line

with 5 mil people

10:07 AM and everyone’s annoyed cz i’m trying to grab my wallet out of the bag without taking it off my back

and

i go to swing it off..cz i cant reach and as i turn

my bag knocks into the cd rack and tips it over

me: lol

SubwayAgent: and cd’s go everywhere

me: i love it

SubwayAgent: and people are really mad

they are so mad

so mad

me: ha

so mad

SubwayAgent: wait not done

10:08 AM so that was just starbucks

now, i need to go to deli for my yogurt

and there is a gay man standing in front of the fridge area where my yogurt is…just standing there

he has his ipod on

so i say excuse me

he doesnt hear

10:09 AM so i just kinda reach around him

and he freaks the hell out on my

me

all high pictched

went on a tangent about people who are rude

impatient

ha

i got killed this morning

10:10 AM commutergirljerk

me: you should have told him this is nyc get a life

SubwayAgent: hey

SubwayAgent: i’ve been working really hard trying to figure out how to replace the lead in my pencil since i got here ha

i cant figure this out

its built like the shuttle

where does the lead go?

WHERE DO I PUT THIS LEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: in the front

10:12 AM in the hole

SubwayAgent: where..please help me

me: IN THE HOLE

10:13 AM SubwayAgent: really?

omg..im gonna cry..i cant do this…LOL

but seriously

10:14 AM WTF is wrong w me..why can i not do this??????????????????

10:15 AM its fits in the whole up front…but i cannot push it back

ha..i got it

HHAHAHAHAH

that was sad

10:16 AM wait…maybe i dont

omg

i cant take this

10:17 AM me: okay

you stick it in the hole,

then press the button

and it allows it to slide in

?

does that work

SubwayAgent: let me try

the top unscrewed but there is no room to put the lead?

10:18 AM i have lead all over my hands and probably my face

10:20 AM you are a genius!

that worked!!!!

me: yeah

that whole situation made me want to crush your head